You can’t fix what you can’t measure!
It took me seven years to actually put something up on this domain. It’s not that I got to know myself better or that I am more brave to say what I am, actually nothing really changed except the will to change. From time to time I freeze from fear because I can’t remember what have I done in past years, I cant remember if anything I have done has some value, I cant remember how the years passed nor how old am I. This fear is a paradox, a fear of loosing the value of own self from the fear of loosing value of own self? It is perpetual, and it’s a pit without an end.
As an engineer I am afraid of others laughing at me for the reason of my projects not being cool enough or quality enough. So I never really appreciated anything I ever did. The road was always paramount for me but I was afraid to publish the results so the goal became frustrating and further with every step I took. Once I figured out how to make something I would stop and leave it unfinished. From the same reason everything I did had to be too complex and hard core. When I look back these 7 years I don’t remember what I’ve done, because all of it is a heap of unfinished projects. Did I mention that I didn’t document anything also!?
As a psychology enthusiast I know that the way I thought illogical because everyone has a fear of judgement of others, because others define us, like stones on the beach define each other moved by the waves. I know that others laugh because of their own insecurities.
As an art practitioner I know that art is “do” and do how you feel and always do and appreciate everything you do as a part of you. And everything you did makes you what you are now, so you should respect every bit of the process and every step of the road.
I even wrote to myself few reminders on the beginning of my sketchbook:
- Drink more water, move more, eat meaningful calories
- Organize and document your work, appreciate it.
- Think more and write more
- Limit the work to 8 hours per day, don’t work weekends
- Do less but quality and reusable, simple and effective
- Measure everything measurable from above
- Don’t be too hard on yourself
So I decided to write more and think more and do simple and effective.
And this site is one of many steps I need to take to change and stop wasting precious time, so I could enjoy my life and stop being afraid. I mean if I spent the time on the things I did, and if time is money, then respect your goddamn work! Ok, I won’t be to hard on myself…